The Longest Post in the history of 3kalbia

First of all I'd like to formally apologize to the 2 or 3 people out there that read this blog about my 9 month absence.

I was pregnant. It wasn't something I planned, but when one goes around humping anything w/ 2 legs w/o protection it's something you have to expect sooner or later. It was sooner for me. However I am now the proud owner of a 2005 Wookie Boy EX. So I got a little tipsy and went a bit wild at the Episode III Premiere Party. So screw me. Can you believe it, though? I got an EX model! I'm just as surprised as you. I didn't think I'd be able to afford one, but my Baby Loan Officer, which just happened to be a 10 month old, said that on my budget if I put $1200 down I could get one. Man I have the cutest fuzzball on the block. I know you're all jealous.

Nah, I'm just pulling your Jawa. I wasn't peppermint. I was just sick for about 3 weeks with a nasty cold among other things...

Dot Dot Dot

*3 weeks earlier*

Dot Dot Dot

Act I

3kalb: "Well, it's about time I make another payment on the ol' credit card."
Dopple 3kalb: "Alright! Another sap for my Citibank scam."

3kalb unknowingly enters in the payment info into an indentical Citibank page. Meanwhile Dopple 3kalb laughs mainiacally while all of 3kalb's debit card info is copied directly to his/her/it's computer.

Act II

3kalb checks his checking account only to discover he's $938 overdrawn.

3kalb: "WTF, mate?!?"

3kalb prints out his statement and marches up to the bank to discuss the discrepancy only to be answered with suspiciously raised eyebrows and doubtful glances.

3kalb: "I honestly don't know what any of these charges are."
Bank Teller: "You've never heard of Paycom or Handango before?"
3kalb: "I've heard of Fandango, but not Handango."
Bank Teller: "Let me call the main office and find out what's going on."

Moments pass while 3kalb quietly waits with bottled up frustration and listens to light rock/new age music in the lobby.

Bank Teller: "Well, we've managed to acquire the numbers to most of these charges. So you can call them back and report the fraudulent charges. We've also refunded all of the overdraft charges."
3kalb: "Thank you. Well, I guess I'll call these people."

3kalb returns home and begins calling back a good handful of companies. Most of the phone conversations follow the succeeding pattern.

Service Rep: "Hi. My name is Blah Blah welcome to Yada Yada. How can I help you?
3kalb: "Hi. My name is Jeffrey Blake Detherage, and I'm calling to inquire about a/some purchase/s made to from your company on my debit card."
Service Rep: "Sure. Could I get your debit card number?"
3kalb: "Sure. It's ****(like i'm going to post my debit card number on a blog)****."
Service Rep: "Ok. Here is/are your purchase/s. What seems to be the trouble?"
3kalb: "These are all fraudulent purchases."
Service Rep: "Oh. Well, let me transfer you to our Fraud Department."

Moments pass while 3kalb impatiently listens to light rock/new age music on the phone.

Fraud Rep: "Hi. My name is Blah Blah. Welcome to Yada Yada. How can I help you?

~ REPEAT ~

Fraud Rep: "Well you should expect a refund to your account in 3 - 5 business days."
3kalb: "Thank you."

*click*

This continues on for about 7 - 8 more phonecalls.
While at work that evening 3kalb itemizes all transactions made by Dopple 3kalb and discovers that Dopple 3kalb spent about $2368. However only about $300 - $400 of the charges have gone through.

Act III

Days pass and all is looking well. The refunds show up sure as rain, but they brought friends with them, more charges. 3kalb repeats the bank march and phonecalls once again.

Days pass and all is looking well. The refunds show up sure as rain, but they brought friends with them, more charges. 3kalb repeats the bank march and phonecalls once again.

(No. That wasn't a typo.)

And now that brings us to present day. So far 3kalb hasn't noticed any new charges and his new debit card and credit cards have come in the mail. The only thing left to do now is wait for a few more refunds to clear and gather all the information for a police report.

The End...

So, that was my new short play, "Getting Fucked By Yourself." What do you think?

AND NOW.... MORE POSTS!!!